I don't love exercise. I know it's good for you but the idea of exerting a ton of energy to get stinky and sweaty is not something I particularly enjoy. I do it begrudgingly and because I have to if I want to maintain some sort of healthy facade. I have a physical trainer I see twice a week. I hike on and off like an Angeleno stereotype. I use the elliptical and machine bike at my local gym. And like any millennial woman worth her salt, I go to yoga.
I've practiced yoga ever since I was a teenager. I was introduced to it by an acting coach when he'd lead my class through the Sun Salutation as warm up before acting exercises and rehearsals. It's a fairly simple set of stretching exercises that don't require that much strength but it would get us physically in tune before we worked. In college I tried a variety of yoga classes and since then I've done yoga at multiple studios and at home. During the pandemic I relied heavily on youtube to get my fix, particularly one channel that has routines for almost any mood and any physical issue that could be addressed. I currently go to a class that combines the Barre Method with yoga. Part of the reason I go to that class is that it's taught by a former coworker of mine, a fact I learned after she commented on a Facebook post I made complaining about how hard Barre was on my flat feet. My calves want to kill me every time I'm in class, but by the end I feel like I've accomplished something that makes me want to die.
For something touted as a method of physical exercise, I don't think of yoga that way. I know yoga has its roots in India as spiritual practice combining meditation and stretching intended to lead practitioners to a state of liberation (or "moksha") to alleviate suffering. And I know that yoga in its current state has largely discarded the spiritual aspect to be just another trendy way to get your sweat on. I get why people complain about the "westernization" of yoga as cultural appropriation.
I've been to a variety of classes who try to incorporate that spirituality into class. I totally understand people who are turned off by yoga when teachers talk about tapping into your chakras and ujjayi breath as you're trying to position yourself into stretching in wide legged stances or balancing on one foot. To those in the global west, throwing those concepts out doesn't feel serious when you just want exercise. I'm able to handle it because I understand where it comes from even if I prefer the teachers who dispense with the language and just point blank tell you what to do with your breath and body. I swear those people actually exist.
I know I am an active participant in cultural appropriation through my practice, but to me yoga is basically meditative stretching. My head is swimming with thoughts that are hard to process and often overwhelm me. I chronically overthink things which exacerbate my anxiety. The world is big and complex and scary and I rile myself up with every little thing. I've tried meditation off and on but I find it doesn't really work with me. Those soothing voices telling me to think of thoughts as leaves falling onto streams only makes me think of leaves falling onto streams. And I become hyper conscious of my body when I'm supposed to be focusing on relaxing my brain. Every muscle twitch and hair on my body is amplified. Yoga is the perfect medium for me to meditate. The mindful movements of the body and breath clears my head and allows me to focus on the task at hand. Breathe in, breathe out, get into pose, body flow, breathe in, breathe out. And there I find peace.
Yoga and disability do have an relationship. It's almost a joke how often disabled people get recommended yoga for physical therapy and yoga has been adapted for disabled people to practice. Of course, there's varying degrees to how much an individual can do yoga. I'm not physically disabled nor super flexible and can't balance on one foot to save my life. And yoga won't fix all issues disabled people face just as no one thing is an all-in-one-done but there is merit in it. It's low impact and strengthening. That's not nothing.
It's been a stressful past few months for me, and the next few years are going to be even more so. I need all the coping mechanisms I can get. The zen that yoga provides is going to be crucial for my survival and the ability to clear my head by tuning into my body is a relief I need. At the end of each class, lying down on the floor in savasana (corpse pose), I'm able to feel the sweat buildup over the hour evaporate from my body and the clouds in my head are swept away. That's what inner peace feels like for me. I'm going to need it for the future.
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